Just A Bit Of News

I mentioned this in passing, because it's really become blase at this point: Another undefeated season for Cobra Kai. Ho hum. We rule yadda yadda. Go Kai.

Are You Serious?

So I get the new season schedule today. Looks good. Season will last between the end of September and the beginning of December. Playoffs are TBA.

But that's not why I'm writing this drunk at 10:40 on a Saturday night.

What I noticed on this list is a new team...

"Ralph Bocceo & the Karate Kids."

Usually, I'd revel in the friendly competition. It's about time a team came out to be our enemies, play on the whole "Karate Kid" vibe, blah blah blah. But then I looked at the rest of the schedule.

No "Off the Wall."

Now, for those of you who are new to the blog, let me tell you about "Off the Wall."

On our first bocce match ever, we showed up 10 minutes late. There was one team that made a big, stinking deal about the whole situation, not forgiving that we came from fucking New Jersey to be there...

Off the Wall.

A few seasons later, there was a team that not only knocked us out of the tournament, but terrorized the poor bartender into playing a Michael Jackson song for the whole bar off of their Ipod because they needed to celebrate?

Off the Wall.

And this year, during the tournament, who was the one team who kicked and screamed and stomped their drunken feet when we wouldn't let them use their awful tacky miserable flourescent balls during TOURNAMENT PLAY?!?!?

Off the Wall.

And this season? It appears that one team has actually traded in a name they've been using since Day 1, Season 1 just to take a little jab at our amazingness?*

Off the Wall.

If this is really them, they're going to be slaughtered this season. I'm not even trying to be cute here.

If it's not...

Ralph Bocceo? You just joined the wroooooong bocce league.

*Accusations cannot be proven. Please consult your doctor before subscribing to any of Cobra Kai's beliefs and/or practices. Men who engage in such practices suffer headaches, dry mouth, and overt sexual prowess. Women who engage in such practices suffer from cramps, bloating, and too much sex with members of Cobra Kai.

Cursed

I refer to my previous comments on the subject of the tournament.

It Begins

You hear that? That piercing, terrifying screech coming down from the sky like a flight of nuclear-powered eagles clutching poison-tipped machine guns in their beaks? You hear it? Damn right you do. That's Destiny. And it's coming down fast.

Go Kai.

The Summer of Kai - A Recap in Heroism

True, it’s been a long time since your beloved Sensei has updated this blog, but when you kick as much ass as he in the past few weeks, blogging becomes quite peripheral.

Since our last update, Cobra Kai has played its entire summer season. Some may call the Summer Season a joke. Not enough teams play, lots of folk are on vacation, several teams forfeit, blah blah blah. I call the Summer League the toughest, most challenging, most grueling season of all. Why? Several reasons.

1. It takes solid dedication to give up weekends at the beach, in Europe, with one’s family, etc to make it week in week out for a match.
2. Spending time outdoors on a gorgeous July day is better than spending it inside a dark bocce arena drinking Schlitz.
3. People want to have something called a “life” or “friends” outside of bocce. Fucking cowards.

You see? It’s the MENTAL game that makes the Summer Season so hard to take. But through it all, through countless (aka 6) games during July and August, through 4 games starting off on the ropes, Cobra Kai persevered.

We are brave, we are good looking, we are better at bocce than you are, and we’re something else now…

We’re undefeated.

Here’s a quick recap of our season…

• July 9th vs. No Brooklyn Posers – Done and done. Read the blog.

• July 23rd vs. Off the Wall – My only regret is that we couldn’t preserve the shutout in game 2.

• July 23rd vs. Team Deboccery – Their name describes them well.

• July 30th vs. Beeyotcces – Interesting game, which featured Ohno Terror and Principal Terror of the Coffee Flats Terrors playing for Kai. Beeyotces are good shit-talkers, have cute uniforms, and hand out business cards. Cobra Kai, however, hands out lessons in ass-kicking. They didn’t stand a chance.

• August 13th vs. O For the Season – If I were their captain, I’d change my team name to O Against Kai.

• August 20th vs Coffee Flats Terrors - Coffee Flats Terrors? More like Coffee Flats Basket Weavers. Jesus, people! What happened to you?

This week begins my training for the Summer Tournament. According to my sources, Cobra Kai will be the #1 seed in the tournament. This is our moment, people. Next week Floyds, tomorrow… Planet Earth.

Profiles in Courage: The Assassin

Real Name: Richard Gallagher

Place of Origin: Garden City, Long Island

Occupation: Freelance hit-man for various micro-brews.

Signature Move: Incinerating an opponent’s ball from 3 clicks away

Background: An original member of Cobra Kai, Richard Gallagher has provided the dojo with his calculating marksmanship season after season. Gallagher first learned bocce on the streets of Cairo while learning marksmanship from Egyptian ninjas. It has been said that he once used the tomb of King Tut as his personal bocce court, earning victories over Cleopatra and the sun-god Ra.

Gallagher allegedly spent most of the late 90’s as an assassin for the Tyco truck company and is rumored to be behind the death of the Remo Williams movie franchise. By the turn of the century, Gallagher was inducted into the international League of Assassins. Here, he led their bocce team to victory against SPECTRE in the 1^st annual “Assassins Only” World Bocce Tournament. It was there that he was recruited by Sensei, operating under deep cover on the Cobra Command team (which, surprisingly, has no affiliation with Cobra Kai… but should).

Gallagher is currently on bocce hiatus this summer for reasons unknown, though Cobra Kai strongly suggests their opponents avoid large, open spaces.

Sensei Goes Undercover... Victory Ensues

Sunday, July 16th found our wise and powerful Sensei (myself) using his prowess to assist an oft-time Kai spectator move from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Now, why would I help someone move on a bocce day? Well, for starters, Kai did not have a game. Second, anyone who's ever seen a Rocky movie understands the merits of unorthodox training. Moving boxes and furniture up and down 3 flights of stairs certainly qualified.

By 2:00 the move had completed. I stood in the streets of Brooklyn, face stained with dirt, shirt soaked through with sweat, and starving. Suddenly, inspiration struck me...

Floyd's was a 1o minute drive away. I thought "If I JUST had a clean shirt, I could go scout out our competition for next week." Wiping dirt-stained sweat off my brow, I opened my trunk, rooted through a set of bocce balls, a fraternity paddle, 1/2 a handle of vodka, the bones of Daniel-san, and found it - my Cobra Kai uniform.

Cleanliness, it seemed, had taken a bride that day. And her name was Destiny.

10 minutes later, I arrived just in time to catch the latter half of the Coffee Flat Terrors/No Brooklyn Posers match. In an act of what I can only call "kindness" and "fun", CFT let NBP play with only THREE PEOPLE! Such generosity warranted a loss. Next time, Terrors, take a page from our book.

No mercy... ever.

But my bocce spectating was only the beginning. As CFT left Floyd in shame, NBP was warming up for their next game against Team Deboccery. And they needed 1 more person.

I thought they'd never ask.

A few handshakes later, and I found myself partnered up with Julian, the Ukranian born captain of No Brooklyn Posers. I'd describe our opponents from "Team Deboccery," but against a solid team like NBP combined with the leader of Cobra Kai, my description would just be wasted font. Following my strategy of "keeping it short" Julian and myself led the 1st frame 4-0. Three more frames later, we wrapped up the first game.

NBP (and Sensei): 7-1.

The next game was even shorter. 3 rounds.

NBP (and our hero): 7-0.

So why post this? Why tell the world that I, Sensei of Cobra Kai, was a ringer for last week's opponent? Several reasons, most of which are quotes taken from Sun Tzu, Confucious, and Bob Villa.

1.) Always keep a clean uniform on hand. Bocce victories are always just around the corner.

2.) It is better to win by forfeit than to lose by generosity. However, I expected such weakness from our arch-rivals.

3.) Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. You think I played for the joy of it, NBP? You think I was "bored"? You think I was "looking for something to do"? Please! I know your moves, now. I know your style. I know your pep talks, I know your measuring techniques. I know what happens when you play against a vastly inexperienced team. Bwah-ha-haaaa.

4.) Never lift a love-seat with your back. Use your legs. That's just good moving advice, people.

Next week sees us in a double-header against Team Deboccery and Off the Wall. Victory is inevitable...

Coming soon... Team Profile of the Assassin!