The Cobra Kai Bocce Dojo

Just A Bit Of News

2006-11-30T16:43:00.000-08:00

I mentioned this in passing, because it's really become blase at this point: Another undefeated season for Cobra Kai. Ho hum. We rule yadda yadda. Go Kai.

Are You Serious?

2006-09-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

So I get the new season schedule today. Looks good. Season will last between the end of September and the beginning of December. Playoffs are TBA.

But that's not why I'm writing this drunk at 10:40 on a Saturday night.

What I noticed on this list is a new team...

"Ralph Bocceo & the Karate Kids."

Usually, I'd revel in the friendly competition. It's about time a team came out to be our enemies, play on the whole "Karate Kid" vibe, blah blah blah. But then I looked at the rest of the schedule.

No "Off the Wall."

Now, for those of you who are new to the blog, let me tell you about "Off the Wall."

On our first bocce match ever, we showed up 10 minutes late. There was one team that made a big, stinking deal about the whole situation, not forgiving that we came from fucking New Jersey to be there...

Off the Wall.

A few seasons later, there was a team that not only knocked us out of the tournament, but terrorized the poor bartender into playing a Michael Jackson song for the whole bar off of their Ipod because they needed to celebrate?

Off the Wall.

And this year, during the tournament, who was the one team who kicked and screamed and stomped their drunken feet when we wouldn't let them use their awful tacky miserable flourescent balls during TOURNAMENT PLAY?!?!?

Off the Wall.

And this season? It appears that one team has actually traded in a name they've been using since Day 1, Season 1 just to take a little jab at our amazingness?*

Off the Wall.

If this is really them, they're going to be slaughtered this season. I'm not even trying to be cute here.

If it's not...

Ralph Bocceo? You just joined the wroooooong bocce league.

*Accusations cannot be proven. Please consult your doctor before subscribing to any of Cobra Kai's beliefs and/or practices. Men who engage in such practices suffer headaches, dry mouth, and overt sexual prowess. Women who engage in such practices suffer from cramps, bloating, and too much sex with members of Cobra Kai.

Cursed

2006-08-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

I refer to my previous comments on the subject of the tournament.

It Begins

2006-08-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

You hear that? That piercing, terrifying screech coming down from the sky like a flight of nuclear-powered eagles clutching poison-tipped machine guns in their beaks? You hear it? Damn right you do. That's Destiny. And it's coming down fast.

Go Kai.

The Summer of Kai - A Recap in Heroism

2006-08-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

True, it’s been a long time since your beloved Sensei has updated this blog, but when you kick as much ass as he in the past few weeks, blogging becomes quite peripheral.

Since our last update, Cobra Kai has played its entire summer season. Some may call the Summer Season a joke. Not enough teams play, lots of folk are on vacation, several teams forfeit, blah blah blah. I call the Summer League the toughest, most challenging, most grueling season of all. Why? Several reasons.

1. It takes solid dedication to give up weekends at the beach, in Europe, with one’s family, etc to make it week in week out for a match.
2. Spending time outdoors on a gorgeous July day is better than spending it inside a dark bocce arena drinking Schlitz.
3. People want to have something called a “life” or “friends” outside of bocce. Fucking cowards.

You see? It’s the MENTAL game that makes the Summer Season so hard to take. But through it all, through countless (aka 6) games during July and August, through 4 games starting off on the ropes, Cobra Kai persevered.

We are brave, we are good looking, we are better at bocce than you are, and we’re something else now…

We’re undefeated.

Here’s a quick recap of our season…

• July 9th vs. No Brooklyn Posers – Done and done. Read the blog.

• July 23rd vs. Off the Wall – My only regret is that we couldn’t preserve the shutout in game 2.

• July 23rd vs. Team Deboccery – Their name describes them well.

• July 30th vs. Beeyotcces – Interesting game, which featured Ohno Terror and Principal Terror of the Coffee Flats Terrors playing for Kai. Beeyotces are good shit-talkers, have cute uniforms, and hand out business cards. Cobra Kai, however, hands out lessons in ass-kicking. They didn’t stand a chance.

• August 13th vs. O For the Season – If I were their captain, I’d change my team name to O Against Kai.

• August 20th vs Coffee Flats Terrors - Coffee Flats Terrors? More like Coffee Flats Basket Weavers. Jesus, people! What happened to you?

This week begins my training for the Summer Tournament. According to my sources, Cobra Kai will be the #1 seed in the tournament. This is our moment, people. Next week Floyds, tomorrow… Planet Earth.

Profiles in Courage: The Assassin

2006-07-19T09:05:00.006-07:00

Real Name: Richard Gallagher

Place of Origin: Garden City, Long Island

Occupation: Freelance hit-man for various micro-brews.

Signature Move: Incinerating an opponent’s ball from 3 clicks away

Background: An original member of Cobra Kai, Richard Gallagher has provided the dojo with his calculating marksmanship season after season. Gallagher first learned bocce on the streets of Cairo while learning marksmanship from Egyptian ninjas. It has been said that he once used the tomb of King Tut as his personal bocce court, earning victories over Cleopatra and the sun-god Ra.

Gallagher allegedly spent most of the late 90’s as an assassin for the Tyco truck company and is rumored to be behind the death of the Remo Williams movie franchise. By the turn of the century, Gallagher was inducted into the international League of Assassins. Here, he led their bocce team to victory against SPECTRE in the 1^st annual “Assassins Only” World Bocce Tournament. It was there that he was recruited by Sensei, operating under deep cover on the Cobra Command team (which, surprisingly, has no affiliation with Cobra Kai… but should).

Gallagher is currently on bocce hiatus this summer for reasons unknown, though Cobra Kai strongly suggests their opponents avoid large, open spaces.

Sensei Goes Undercover... Victory Ensues

2006-07-17T16:01:00.000-07:00

Sunday, July 16th found our wise and powerful Sensei (myself) using his prowess to assist an oft-time Kai spectator move from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Now, why would I help someone move on a bocce day? Well, for starters, Kai did not have a game. Second, anyone who's ever seen a Rocky movie understands the merits of unorthodox training. Moving boxes and furniture up and down 3 flights of stairs certainly qualified.

By 2:00 the move had completed. I stood in the streets of Brooklyn, face stained with dirt, shirt soaked through with sweat, and starving. Suddenly, inspiration struck me...

Floyd's was a 1o minute drive away. I thought "If I JUST had a clean shirt, I could go scout out our competition for next week." Wiping dirt-stained sweat off my brow, I opened my trunk, rooted through a set of bocce balls, a fraternity paddle, 1/2 a handle of vodka, the bones of Daniel-san, and found it - my Cobra Kai uniform.

Cleanliness, it seemed, had taken a bride that day. And her name was Destiny.

10 minutes later, I arrived just in time to catch the latter half of the Coffee Flat Terrors/No Brooklyn Posers match. In an act of what I can only call "kindness" and "fun", CFT let NBP play with only THREE PEOPLE! Such generosity warranted a loss. Next time, Terrors, take a page from our book.

No mercy... ever.

But my bocce spectating was only the beginning. As CFT left Floyd in shame, NBP was warming up for their next game against Team Deboccery. And they needed 1 more person.

I thought they'd never ask.

A few handshakes later, and I found myself partnered up with Julian, the Ukranian born captain of No Brooklyn Posers. I'd describe our opponents from "Team Deboccery," but against a solid team like NBP combined with the leader of Cobra Kai, my description would just be wasted font. Following my strategy of "keeping it short" Julian and myself led the 1st frame 4-0. Three more frames later, we wrapped up the first game.

NBP (and Sensei): 7-1.

The next game was even shorter. 3 rounds.

NBP (and our hero): 7-0.

So why post this? Why tell the world that I, Sensei of Cobra Kai, was a ringer for last week's opponent? Several reasons, most of which are quotes taken from Sun Tzu, Confucious, and Bob Villa.

1.) Always keep a clean uniform on hand. Bocce victories are always just around the corner.

2.) It is better to win by forfeit than to lose by generosity. However, I expected such weakness from our arch-rivals.

3.) Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. You think I played for the joy of it, NBP? You think I was "bored"? You think I was "looking for something to do"? Please! I know your moves, now. I know your style. I know your pep talks, I know your measuring techniques. I know what happens when you play against a vastly inexperienced team. Bwah-ha-haaaa.

4.) Never lift a love-seat with your back. Use your legs. That's just good moving advice, people.

Next week sees us in a double-header against Team Deboccery and Off the Wall. Victory is inevitable...

Coming soon... Team Profile of the Assassin!

Summer Opener

2006-07-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

Last weekend saw the end of World Cup Soccer and the beginning of a real sport…

Summer Bocce.

Our brave Cobra Kai warriors opened up the summer tournament against a newly constructed No Brooklyn Posers. But would our heroes deliver?

Boasting a bigger, better lineup, Cobra Kai took the court led by our brave Sensei and backed up by Kat Kai, The General, and three new warriors: Bad News, The Professor, and Ninja Nymph. No Brooklyn didn’t stand a chance.

Or did they?

Fans were worried early on, as Sensei and Ninja Nymph gave up 4 quick points to a heavily intoxicated duo from No Brooklyn. Bad News and The General kept the 1^st round close, but could not hold off the post-World Cup intensity that the mostly Italian No Brooklyn brought to their first game. With beer on their breath and a playpen in their corner, No Brooklyn was looking to come out on top.

Game 1: 4-7, No Brooklyn Posers.

In a move scorned by the proud and envied by the brave, our heroic Sensei subbed himself and Ninja Nymph out, allowing The Professor and Kat Kai to work their magic. In round complicated with tie measurements, infantile interference, and a man known as “Drunky McDrunk” fueling the wrath of the General, Kai turned it into anybody’s bocce match.

Game 2: 7-5, Cobra Kai.

Overwrought with anguish and frustration, Bad News and the General spent the 3^rd game on the sides drilling high kicks and performing knuckle push-ups for our fans. Ninja Nymph and Sensei joined The Professor and Kat Kai for game 3, poised for redemption. In just a few short rounds, Ninja Nymph brought the game from a 2-5 deficit to a 5-5 tie with a miraculous back-court 3 point shot. In just two more rounds, the game was tied 6-6 and Kai’s fate lay in the hands of Kat Kai and the Professor. Whether it was pure exhaustion from watching the World Cup too intensely, fear of Cobra Kai’s power, or perhaps that 8^th gin and tonic, No Brooklyn gave up 4 balls in a row, and with just one toss from Kat Kai, the entire game.

Game 3: 7-6, Cobra Kai.

July 23^rd will see Cobra Kai in a double-header. Domination is imminent.

Bocci Lives On, and it is Good!

2006-06-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

It was a beautiful sunny Sunday in June.*

A spur of the moment decision found me, Alissa, Kat, and a recently de-Galled** Mike crammed in the Truck, driving up the curvy, well-trafficed road on top of the Jersey Palisades, through the scenic towns of Weehawken and West New York, arriving midafternoon at the James J. Braddock North Hudson Park.***

We brought our own bocce balls and walked through the park which was shaking with activity of all sorts. It seemed like people had crawled out from every nook and alley of North Jersey to take advantage of such magnificant weather on this one in a million Sunday. There was volleyball and soccer, kids rolling in mud holes like piggies, and plenty of people charring up their favorite kosher weiners on $9.99 charcoal grills. The park is amazingly large and we anxiously followed Kat down the bustling paths under tall shady trees, till we spotted what we had come for:

BOCCE COURTS.

The bocce courts were certainly not being neglected on this amazing day, but according to Kat this was just the normal daily activity here. Of the 3 courts we saw in the distance, one was smaller, offset, and a little weedy. The other two were both in great shape. One was a little lumpy and littered, and the other one, currently the site of an intense gathering of old grizzled bocce lovers, was a testament to its daily use--immaculately cared for, without a twig or stone to rudely deflect a bocce ball's path.

And here we were! The other 2 courts sat empty, even though there were tons of bocce players standing around bs-ing and intently watching the game that was going on. Feeling a little undergunned and not sure if we were gonna be mocked out of the park in more than one European language, we strode up to the unused bocce court and dropped our balls. Slightly queerlooking K-mart balls.

We got a lot of very inquisitive looks.

Queerlooking balls aside, we were gonna enjoy this gorgeous day and get some Bocce on! We started to get the court together as best we could, removing sticks and twigs, picking up some stones. Actually, I think I sat on the bench, lit up a pipe and watched the scene, but Kat, Alissa and Gall-less got it together just fine. The old dudes pointed the way to a broom we could use once they saw we were actually sticking around.

And so, the bocce began. It was the first time any of us had played out on a big outdoor court like this. As any of you who have done so before know, its a different beastie. It took us a little while of looking retarded to get our shit together, but it wasn't too long before we were rolling some decent bocce. We started to play a game, to 15, cause that's what the score keeper went up to. We played by the familiar Floyd rules, except for the fact that we allowed plays off the back walls. Hey that's how the Croatians were doing it! When in North Bergen, do as the North Bergenionians do, er, or, uh, something.

So we played a game. Me and Alissa vs. Kat and the Mighty Missing Organ. I forget who won now,**** but it was a good game. A few of the old Italians and others started to notice us, and talk a little. Sometimes they volunteered suggestions or strategies, mostly with ambiguous gestures. Sometimes they let us know which ball was actually closer (they were't always right either!) or helped us measure distances with TV antennas or old yard sticks.

We decided to play another game, this time a battle of the Sexes!! One dapperly dressed and excitable Albanian fellow took special interest in this game as it progressed, especially loving that the ladies were schooling me and my inadequantly organed partner. And school us they did! The score was 7-2 and we were gonna quit and play a new game, so that we could politely assure them that they would have at least one game under their belt. However, they insisted on playing on to 15. While Mike's Gallbladder patiently waited for him in heaven we continued to play the game and our new Albanian friend took keen interest, especially in mocking my every throw. Too Long! or What kinda of wuss shot was that his animated gestures would say after each of my shots. Unfortunately, he was right, and I could only smile and nod. It was all in good fun of course, but me a Mike were playing like poop--not to underestimate how good Kat and Alissa were playing. They continued to trounce us. Mike and I repeated the mantra that our comeback was coming, but it never did, and the ladies scored 8 more points, ending the game 15-2.

It had been a great day and we were all pretty blown away by what a fun place this was to come play (or watch!) bocce. It was a blast to see all the bocce-regulars interact and insult each other. "You gonna need to eat some more spaghetti!!" There were many extremely good players with lots of amazing shots and pinpoint accuracy.

We were all pretty tired, especially Mike who seemed somewhat disoriented, like he had misplaced something. We started to pick up our stuff and were about to go when our Albanian spectator (let's call him Al from here on out), grabbed me by the shirt sleeve and feverishly motioned at the court. He wanted to show me how it was done! I accepted, of course, and the game commenced. Al was good, very good, and anxious to show me up. But I gave him a fight he did not expect, and what I am sure he thought would be a 5 minute shut-out turned into a long drawn out competition. He was up for awhile but I matched every shot of his with a better one and I creeped up to a lead of 9-6. I can't remember all of the details of the game other than that I was very relaxed, and everything was just going as well as it could have. It was really fun. Mike watched the game with a mixture of awe, and confusion, wondering why I couldn't have pulled off a single one of these shots in the previous game. Then he went back to fingering his gall-scars.

Al wasn't giving up, but I sensed a little fear. I played strong the rest of the game, but I started to lose some of my concentration and stamina toward the end. Al came back and we finished off the game 15-11. Al won. Nevertheless, that may have been one of the most fun bocce games I have ever played. It was too much! There were lots of smiles and laughs and handshakes, as we said goodbye and thanks to Al and the others. We headed back through the park, the sun getting low. I highly recommend a trip to the bocce courts at James Braddock North Hudson Park!

footnotes:

* Last Sunday
** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gall_bladder
*** http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_J._Braddock
**** Probably because we lost??

Fuck Fuckitty Fuck Fuck

2006-05-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Plop 'N' Drops are a class act and a great team. I wish they'd made the finals. And 'Lism looked really good out there and deserved their hard-fought victory.

But fuck. Fuck fuckin fuck fuck fuck. Fuckitty fuckin fuckcakes with maple fuckin syrup. FUCK!

This world-domination thing is gonna take a little while longer than expected.

Torunament Time

2006-05-12T14:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Cobra Kai enters our 4th Floyd Bocce Tournament.

We will never take prisoners.

We will never admit defeat.

We will never surrender.

We will never kiss the ass.

This is our time.

This is our tournament.

All you other teams will fear us.

We are Kai.

Victory or death.

Who's Who on Kai: The Sensei

2006-05-08T12:35:00.000-07:00

Real Name: Ross Flatt
Place of Origin: Schenectady, NY
Occupation: Teacher of History (a history of ASS KICKING, that is)
Bocce Idol: Martin Kove

Background: Since its co-founding, Ross Flatt has been Sensei, Captain, and transporter of Cobra Kai. He was trained in the suburban ghettos of Schenectady under the watchful eye of Bernard Mango. While other children were learning the difference between a baseball and a football, young Ross was learning the proper stance for a raffa versus a vollo.

In 1988, at the age of 7, Flatt earned world wide recognition by winning the 12th Annual Junior Trans-Continental Bocce Championship in Antarctica, Earth, after his final-round opponent mysteriously died of a torn-out heart. At 15, Flatt left on a quest into the Orient. Though details of his journey vary, legend says that he uncovered the last remains of the only Chinese/Italian bocce courts in existence, where he played and defeated the ghost of Marco Polo, releasing the explorer’s tortured soul into the underworld.

By age 21, Flatt became New Jersey’s youngest bocce attaché, strengthening the very shaky relationships between the New Jersey Mafia and Prussian Junkers. After fatally injuring the 5th generational grandson of Count Otto Von Bismarck in 2003, Flatt went rouge and has since taken his skills to Floyd NY. Though many believe that Flatt will never play in New Jersey again, others think that his greatest victory has yet to be uncovered…

Chalk-O-Rama

2006-05-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Cobra Kai vs. Dr. Strangballs

Cobra Kai/Strangeballs (Cobra Balls) vs. CFT

Behold the mountains of chalk required to score a Kai game! Prepare to tremble at the mighty, mighty markin' that goes down this weekend for the tournament!

Dr. Kai's Strange Cobra-Balls

2006-04-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in anti-war protest traffic on Broadway coming out of the Holland Tunnel. Two of our teammates couldn't attend due to family obligations, two others bailed last minute, so that left 4 members of Cobra Kai left to take on Chew Bocce. If one of us didn't show, we'd have to lose by forfeit.

As the time grew closer to 2:45 and I sat in traffic in the middle of a green-lighted intersection, I thought one thing in my head... "This game better be worth it."

It was.

But not in the way you'd expect.

Chew Bocce was a no show. No surprise, but coming from New Jersey with today's gas prices, it's a little annoying. But to my UTTER delight, who should be sitting in the bar cashing in on 2nd season's Rheingold holiday?

DR. STRANGEBALLS!

IN. COSTUME.

Now, to you new bocce leaguers who don't know who Dr. Strangeballs is... let me educate you...

Over one year ago, a younger Cobra Kai dominated the Saturday league. Ipod Nanos were rare, Unleaded fuel cost $1.99/gallon, Floyd had 2 for 1 Rheingold specials, the world was a different place. The Friday night before the 1st ever Floyd Bocce Tournament, a small band of Cobra Kai warriors, led by the brave Sensei (then, only a 3rd Degree Black-Belt instructor) came to Floyd to get some shots in before the tournament. However, practicing on the court before them was their Sunday counter-parts... Dr. Strangeballs.

Clad in meat-market uniforms, red wigs, stockings, code-names, team chants, unbridled enthusiasm... it felt as if Cobra Kai had met their match. Without ever meeting each other before, I approached them in my "Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy" uniform.

"Strangeballs," I said, stating it as fact, not inquiry.

"Kai." Their response echoed mine. It was as if I were Caesar, addressing Pompey. Churchill addressing Hitler. He-Man addressing Skeletor...

A rivalry was born.

However, the next day, in an INTENSE semi-finals, covered by the local paper, Strangeballs fell before the obvious dominance that IS Kai. Thus began a rival that would last 2 seasons, until Dr. Strangeballs returned to Floyd to cash in on their 2nd season 2nd Place award prize. It was only due to the fact that 1/2 the team moved to the home of the Declaration of independence that Cobra Kai had to find a new nemesis in the guise of the Coffee Flats Terrors. Last Saturday, however, Strangeballs was back.

But they should've stayed in Philly.

With a no-show Chew Bocce, Cobra Kai challenged Strangeballs to a pick-up game. It is only now that I wish "heart" was a category on Floyd's weekly score-charts.

A mere skeleton crew consisting of the Sensei, the Assassin, The General (formerly known as "Hairy Mike"), and Shanchuk banded together as always to defend their honor, their glory, and their right to sweep legs. After falling to Strangeballs in game 1, Kai rallied in game 2. By game 3, however, jovial discussion and alcohol had weakened our once iron-clad focus. victory was certain to elude us.

And then Strangeballs made a mistake. They got cocky...

"Alright guys! Let's remind ourselves what it's like to beat Cobra Kai!"

(At this point, it is my duty to remind readers that our record against Strangeballs stands at 1-0. Sweet rivalry.)

"We REALLY gotta beat these guys," said Shanchuk, a look of determination gracing his visage for the first time that day.

And that's all it took. While I COULD reveal how the last point was actually scored, modesty dictates that I allow others to post on that subject. Needless to say, the only gain Dr. Strangeballs saw that day was on their bar tab.

That is, until The Coffee Flats Terrors entered the bar.

To be continued...

The Big Score

2006-04-28T18:11:00.000-07:00

A tough second game for us, but we pulled it out in the end. Tomorrow, Chew Bocce will fall. Then, we win the tournament. And then, we kick the asses of old Italian men in parks across the world. We are the roving shitstorm of bocce that is...Cobra Kai!

The Didn't Want Our Bocce

2006-04-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

It was a day of classic Cobra Kai bocce-ness yesterday, as the team in black faced off against the team in green, aka "If You Want My Bocce." Cobra Kai came in force, with a line-up including Kat Kai, Shanchuk, Hairy Mike, Johnny Cordo, Josh "The Real" Diehl, and their brave Sensei. Only the Assassin and Vice-Sensei Jay were out, both away on business.
After losing the coin-toss, the Sensei picked the opening line-up. Kat Kai would partner with Shanchuk on the far end, Hairy Mike and Johnny in the corner. In but a few rounds, Cobra Kai bested If You Want 7-1. Victory seemed inevitable.

But it was not.

Subbing out Johnny and Shanchuk, the Sensei and Diehl joined Hairy Mike and Kat Kai, respectively. Despite Hairy Mike's efforts to keep us in the game with an AMAZING ping-pong/miniature golf-esque victory shot, it was not enough to fend off If You Want My Bocce's determination. After quite a long round, If You Want stood victorious, 5-7.
Kat Kai and Diehl opted out, Sensei and Shanchuk took the far side, Hairy Mike and Johnny decided to imitate 1st round greatness in their initial spot. Despite If You Want My Bocce's refusal to lose, despite their amazing shot rebuttals, despite the fact that the NYPD gave the Sensei a God-damned parking ticket...

Winner: Cobra Kai, 7-4.

To their credit, If You Want My Bocce has been a phenomenal addition to the league this year. They come to play, refuse to go away quietly, have snappy uniforms, and know how to talk shit on a blog. In fine bocce tradition, they awarded our victory with a Crap-a-Copia, and went on to face their next opponents, Joanie Loves Bocce.

Cobra Kai wishes them the best of luck in that game.

Chew Bocce... you're next.

Its Been Too Long...

2006-04-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

After a few weeks rest, Cobra Kai will be back and ready for ass-kicking this Saturday. Our opponents? "If You Want My Bocce", the upstart splinter group from our arch-rivals, the Coffee Flat Terrors. Scouting reports favor us to win. We're coming off of a huge win against the Flats and we've already taken down If You Want. However, I will never discount the revenge factor in this game, nor will I allow vanity and hubris cost us a big game (*cough* CoffeFlatTerrors *cough*).

Three weeks until the playoffs.

Four weeks until we can redeem ourselves.

No mercy.

Combat Bocce Club

2006-04-10T11:12:00.000-07:00

Next time I whine about going to Brooklyn for bocce, I can take solace that at least I don't have to play in a combat zone. These guys are badasses--they even got the traditional materials sent to Iraq one small box at a time.

Yes, It Really Happened

2006-04-04T05:07:00.000-07:00

It's so real, it makes your head spin, don't it? Honestly, the score doesn't even begin to reflect how tough these cats are. It felt more like 6-7, 7-6, 7-6. Anyway, there it is.

If It Bleeds... We Can Kill It

2006-04-03T05:24:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was as good as it gets. Cobra Kai defeated the former champion/top-ranked team/self-proclaimed Juggernaut that are the Coffee Flats Terrors in 3 ridiculously hard-fought matches.

I have to say, things were looking good for Kai from the start. Jay, our Bocce Traditionalist Enforcer and 2nd in command entered the game an older and wider 30-year-old. Sanchuck, our team Heckler, had just purchased a brand-spankin' new uniform. Mike, aka "Top Knot", was just coming off the injury reserved list. Fans showed up from as far away as Boston and DC. Like I said, things were looking REALLY good.

As Sensei, my attitude going into the game was this: We've already lost to CFT. EVERYONE has already lost to CFT. There would be no shame in losing to them, but as long as we went out unafraid and loose, we could at least put up a good showing.

We started out with our line-up from last weekend. Considering we defeated Team Jude Law 7-0, 7-0, I felt it was a good choice. Josh and Jay took the near end of the bar, myself and Sanchuck took the far end. In that first frame alone, we proved that the days of pussy-footin' around were over. When we could've taken 1, we went for 3. When we could've conceded a safe 1, we risked gaining 2. After about 20 minutes or more of back-and-forth play, CFT finished the 1st round the victors, 7-6.

From there, it was all a blur. Keeping confident, I immediatley subbed out myself and Sanchuck, switched Josh to the far side with our female ace, Kat, and pulled Mike off the injury reserve.

That's when magic happened.

The thing about CFT that makes them so dangerous is that, besides the fact that their friggin' ridiculous bocce players, is that you CANNOT rely on bad luck to beat them for you. EVERY SINGLE TIME we made what looked like an amazing shot, they answered with a better one. This weekend, however, we answered in kind. After a 2nd round victory in favor of Kai, we realized that the Coffee Flats were human after all. They weren't bocce machines, they were flesh and blood. They could bleed. And if it bleeds... you can kill it.

The 3rd round was even more hazy for me. Josh and Mike volunteered their spots up to John and I. We returned to our 1st round side, and Kay and Jay made an unstoppable husband and wife team. In a round that featured a VERY rare measurement tie, we came out on top. In the final frame, CFT rolled two (I think?) far court balls that hit the backboard, leaving a nice open court for Kat to sweep in with a victory shot.

All in all, this was one of our best games in our 4 season history. We played loose, we had fun, we talked shit. We were Kai. CFT, being the gracious team that they are, bought us a victory Crap-a-Copia and congratulated us on our win.

But know this, Coffee Flats. We're on to you. We know the score. We know that if we play the best damn bocce of our lives, if luck is on our side, if the stars aline JUST right...

... we could possibly beat you again.

May's tournament is going to be awesome.

A Brief Summary of Bocce For the Weak

2006-04-03T05:10:00.000-07:00

Origins: Ancient Rome. Romans, universally known as badasses, are the direct anscestors of modern-day badasses Cobra Kai. It's true. It's in books.

Rules: Points are tallied based on how many of Cobra Kai's balls are closer to the pallino than any of your weakly thrown balls. Appropriately enough, the pallino is also know as the jack, as in "Wow, loser, Cobra Kai just jacked you up."

Bocce-Related Activities: Fish and chip eating, beer drinking, drowning out soccer hooligans, (for Cobra Kai) dancing on the bones of our enemies, (for non Cobra Kai) gnashing of teeth and endless weeping. Endless, endless weeping.

Welcome

2006-04-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

17 months and 5 seasons later, the Cobra Kai Bocce Dojo is proud to release their official blog site. Before we start posting our updates, manifestos, warnings to the people of the bocce world, and our incedible amount of shit-talking, let me give a quick run-down of our team's history and philosophy...

We are a bocce team comprised of family, housemates, and old friends. We spend our Saturdays on Brooklyn's answer to the Coliseum... the clay court of Floyd New York. Some members have been with this team since its inception, others come and go, but one thing will forever remain the same...

WE SHOW NO MERCY

For those of you who have played us, you know the score. For those of you who have seen us, you have sung of our feats from all ends of the Earth. For those of you who have never heard of us before... be warned.

Our team philosophy is this:
Mercy is for the weak. The man who confronts us on the street is the enemy. The enemy deserves no mercy. Fear does not exist on the bocce court. Pain does not exist on the bocce court. Defeat does not exist on the bocce court. Cobra Kai’s way is the way of the fist. Strike First. Strike Hard. No Mercy.

More to come in the following days...